I cant. I cant do this anymore. My body is eating itself alive with these horrible feelings that I have been having since freshman year. I am with someone -- that I no longer love. It's an addiction -- it's what im USED to. It's what I run to. It's what I live for. But not any longer. This addiction will stop. This heartache will stop.
My so-called 'boyfriend' (if thats even a word...) decides on his own, completely against my will for him to do, that he has NO other choice in the entire world but to stay in small ass, boring ass Albany and work for THE ONLY NON-PROFIT ACCOUTING FIRM IN THE ENTIREEEE STATE OF NEW YORK b/c that's the only source of income he has...ooo wow. He tells me AND my MOM that he will be coming home every weekend to see me and even told me he couldnt drive places because he has to 'save miles' on his car. During the semester, I went to Albany from New Paltz EVERY weekend and have put over 50,000 miles on my car since last August -- and he cant make a few trips to come home to see me? The thing is -- if he never said he'd come home, then I wouldnt be expecting it and couldnt be upset -- BUT he told me that he was definitely coming home every weekend.
Its been 3 weeks -- the first weekend, he came home. The second weekend, "I forced him to come home" on a Saturday. Its now Monday and he is telling me he is not coming home this weekend because he doesnt feel like driving. 3 weekends and he's already telling me he doesnt want to drive??? Come on, now. Basically, what he told me was a lie and this DEFINITELY is not the first direct lie. I have been dealing with this for 6 years -- a pathological retard.
He is now telling me and EXPECTING me to come up this weekend when I am starting a brand new job at a RESTAURANT and he thinks Im gunna tell them that Im gunna take off for HIM but he CHOOSES to stay 3 hours away from me so he can work? So im supposed to stop EVERYTHING and wlk away from everything because HE says so. But when the time comes for him to step up to the plate -- what does he do?? backs down and blames everything on me. Its MY summer vacation -- the LAST summer before I start work/law school and he expects me to pretty much not get a job so when he snaps his fingers and needs me up there, I can come -- like a good little doggie that I am. Well you know what -- FUCK you. Fuck everything about you. You think youre awesome, you think youre the best boyfriend in the world. Do you realize how much better I could do?????? I need to get up and leave your sorry ass. Youre a mad annoying, messed up, lying asshole.
So, let me now bow down to king Greg -- the almighty. Let me sit home during the week, not work, not make money, like a good little Stepford wife and wait for ME to put miles on MY car and drive 3 hours up to Albany so he has no responsibility, no concern, and no worries -- Allie was a good little girl and obeyed her orders.
You think this Ok? You think this is the end? Dont worry cuz bitch, YOU DONT KNOW ME.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Is this life?
So, I hate the world. I hate everyone around me. I feel like no one is ever listening, no one ever hears me. I dont know though, I dont think Im annoying... I dont think im not likeable, so I dont know what it is. Its around 1 a.m. and Im up in the common room... alone. I live with 7 other girls, but it probably wasnt the best decision for a person like me. I like my privacy, my independence and its really hard to get that around here. But tomorrow is my last day of classes and essentially... this semester. I get to go home.. and see my dog Toby ;D Well, I dont feel like writing much cuz Im tired, but Ill be back.. no worries.
Friday, April 24, 2009
I feel hurt, weak, and broken
This is my first blog.
It's 1a.m. and I am up. Me and my so-called 'boyfriend' broke up - after 6 six years (anniversary's on Tuesday, but who cares now, right?). I feel hurt, betrayed, broken, lost, blank, and semi-suicidal. I ask myself every morning why I do this - over and over again. The same fights, the same lies, the same stories. It kills me to see other people walk around happy (other couples, I should say). I just once want to feel that feeling that they feel - that happiness. Why do I have to be the one to suffer through something I honestly don't feel is right inside? Why should I have to be the one subject to all this bullshit? And really, why should he, too?
To wake up not feeling refreshed and restored, but bothered, confused, and damaged is really troublesome to me. Yes, damaged is the perfect word for this relationship. There is no going back, only forward... forward without each other. We keep eating each other alive. We keep on keeping on when we both know this is complete and utter insanity to continue down this path of no return. The song "Walk Away" by Christina Aguilera makes me feel like maybe I'm not so weird, so different. Do other people really feel this way? What about people who get divorced? See, as I have consistently informed every person around me, I will never get married. I will never put myself through the pain that others have. Marriage is a 'norm' I guess you could call it, everyone else does it, so why should'nt I? Thats what everyone thinks. But they're wrong. Relationships suck, and I swear on my life, I will never tell another soul I love them, I will never kiss another person with passion, I will never care about another person because I have been ripped to shreds. I have learned not to trust and not to care.
These past 6 years have been one hell of a journey. I dont think I regret it, but Im not quite sure what I feel. They say conversation is the most important thing in a relationship because when youre older, conversation is all that really matters. With him, I feel like he doesnt hear me, he doesnt listen. No matter how hard, how loud, how viscious I yell, scream it doesnt hit him -- not once, not ever. What does that mean? I can cry all I want, but I know until the day I get up and walk away, this is will never go away. I always tell him if someone could erase my mind just like that Eternal Sunshine movie, I'd do it - in a heartbeat. The pain that the both of us have felt is unreal, and unfair.
We have both detroyed our bodies also. I have become a mess who relies solely on food, I guess because I know it's always there for me...? And I can stuff my face. He has gained weight also, which bothers me. It concerns me that he doesnt really care about his body. I try, I really do. It's not like Im sitting here not caring, not going to the gym, not trying to diet and telling him "hey, go do something." I feel like I want to lose weight so badly and make myself a different person so badly because I want him to follow along. I feel it would be the best for him, it would make him feel better about himself -- but again, he doesnt hear me. I guess that's all it really comes down to -- the not listening, not caring, not hearing part. Maybe it's not me..?
No, it's always me.
It's 1a.m. and I am up. Me and my so-called 'boyfriend' broke up - after 6 six years (anniversary's on Tuesday, but who cares now, right?). I feel hurt, betrayed, broken, lost, blank, and semi-suicidal. I ask myself every morning why I do this - over and over again. The same fights, the same lies, the same stories. It kills me to see other people walk around happy (other couples, I should say). I just once want to feel that feeling that they feel - that happiness. Why do I have to be the one to suffer through something I honestly don't feel is right inside? Why should I have to be the one subject to all this bullshit? And really, why should he, too?
To wake up not feeling refreshed and restored, but bothered, confused, and damaged is really troublesome to me. Yes, damaged is the perfect word for this relationship. There is no going back, only forward... forward without each other. We keep eating each other alive. We keep on keeping on when we both know this is complete and utter insanity to continue down this path of no return. The song "Walk Away" by Christina Aguilera makes me feel like maybe I'm not so weird, so different. Do other people really feel this way? What about people who get divorced? See, as I have consistently informed every person around me, I will never get married. I will never put myself through the pain that others have. Marriage is a 'norm' I guess you could call it, everyone else does it, so why should'nt I? Thats what everyone thinks. But they're wrong. Relationships suck, and I swear on my life, I will never tell another soul I love them, I will never kiss another person with passion, I will never care about another person because I have been ripped to shreds. I have learned not to trust and not to care.
These past 6 years have been one hell of a journey. I dont think I regret it, but Im not quite sure what I feel. They say conversation is the most important thing in a relationship because when youre older, conversation is all that really matters. With him, I feel like he doesnt hear me, he doesnt listen. No matter how hard, how loud, how viscious I yell, scream it doesnt hit him -- not once, not ever. What does that mean? I can cry all I want, but I know until the day I get up and walk away, this is will never go away. I always tell him if someone could erase my mind just like that Eternal Sunshine movie, I'd do it - in a heartbeat. The pain that the both of us have felt is unreal, and unfair.
We have both detroyed our bodies also. I have become a mess who relies solely on food, I guess because I know it's always there for me...? And I can stuff my face. He has gained weight also, which bothers me. It concerns me that he doesnt really care about his body. I try, I really do. It's not like Im sitting here not caring, not going to the gym, not trying to diet and telling him "hey, go do something." I feel like I want to lose weight so badly and make myself a different person so badly because I want him to follow along. I feel it would be the best for him, it would make him feel better about himself -- but again, he doesnt hear me. I guess that's all it really comes down to -- the not listening, not caring, not hearing part. Maybe it's not me..?
No, it's always me.
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