I feel hurt, weak, and broken

This is my first blog.


It's 1a.m. and I am up. Me and my so-called 'boyfriend' broke up - after 6 six years (anniversary's on Tuesday, but who cares now, right?). I feel hurt, betrayed, broken, lost, blank, and semi-suicidal. I ask myself every morning why I do this - over and over again. The same fights, the same lies, the same stories. It kills me to see other people walk around happy (other couples, I should say). I just once want to feel that feeling that they feel - that happiness. Why do I have to be the one to suffer through something I honestly don't feel is right inside? Why should I have to be the one subject to all this bullshit? And really, why should he, too?

To wake up not feeling refreshed and restored, but bothered, confused, and damaged is really troublesome to me. Yes, damaged is the perfect word for this relationship. There is no going back, only forward... forward without each other. We keep eating each other alive. We keep on keeping on when we both know this is complete and utter insanity to continue down this path of no return. The song "Walk Away" by Christina Aguilera makes me feel like maybe I'm not so weird, so different. Do other people really feel this way? What about people who get divorced? See, as I have consistently informed every person around me, I will never get married. I will never put myself through the pain that others have. Marriage is a 'norm' I guess you could call it, everyone else does it, so why should'nt I? Thats what everyone thinks. But they're wrong. Relationships suck, and I swear on my life, I will never tell another soul I love them, I will never kiss another person with passion, I will never care about another person because I have been ripped to shreds. I have learned not to trust and not to care.

These past 6 years have been one hell of a journey. I dont think I regret it, but Im not quite sure what I feel. They say conversation is the most important thing in a relationship because when youre older, conversation is all that really matters. With him, I feel like he doesnt hear me, he doesnt listen. No matter how hard, how loud, how viscious I yell, scream it doesnt hit him -- not once, not ever. What does that mean? I can cry all I want, but I know until the day I get up and walk away, this is will never go away. I always tell him if someone could erase my mind just like that Eternal Sunshine movie, I'd do it - in a heartbeat. The pain that the both of us have felt is unreal, and unfair.

We have both detroyed our bodies also. I have become a mess who relies solely on food, I guess because I know it's always there for me...? And I can stuff my face. He has gained weight also, which bothers me. It concerns me that he doesnt really care about his body. I try, I really do. It's not like Im sitting here not caring, not going to the gym, not trying to diet and telling him "hey, go do something." I feel like I want to lose weight so badly and make myself a different person so badly because I want him to follow along. I feel it would be the best for him, it would make him feel better about himself -- but again, he doesnt hear me. I guess that's all it really comes down to -- the not listening, not caring, not hearing part. Maybe it's not me..?

No, it's always me.